Guess what, folks, I, Lindsay Harris Friel, Crazy As A Loon Playwright, am having a CRAZY LINDSAY’S GIVING IT AWAY FOR FREE SALE! Are you looking for a short play for your theater company, church, school, speech class, ESL class, whatever, with four characters, a simple setting, and a timely conflict to perform, but can’t afford the royalties? Well, WORRY NO MORE! With all the hubub and froufrou about reproductive rights, pregnancy as the latest fashion accessory and tabloid cover headline, and personhood, this play guarantees that your audiences will have plenty to laugh or complain about for weeks! Just read the following and copy or paste it into the text editor or word processing software of your choice, print it out, memorize the lines and let theatrical MAGIC ensue! All I ask is that you credit me as author. I own the copyright, and you can’t change the script, but I’ve left you plenty of room for subtext, and all you have to do is pay me in exposure!
Thanks, and have a super day!
BREAKFAST IN AMERICA
MICHAEL: a man in his late 30s to early 40s
KATE: a woman in her late 30s to early 40s
FREDDY: a waiter, a beefy, overly-jovial lad in his early 20s
EILEEN: a waitress in her 50s
SETTING: A diner in Northeast Philadelphia. Typical diner accoutrements: formica and chrome table and fittings, so on & so forth. Television on the wall broadcasting the news.
TIME: The present day, a lovely Saturday in springtime, noonish.
AT RISE: MICHAEL and KATE sit at a table sipping coffee. The table is right next to a wood and glass partition, slightly higher than the diners’ shoulder height. MICHAEL is playing with his cell phone.
KATE: I’m so glad we have this time together.
MICHAEL: What? You’re as bad as I am with the whole cell phone thing.
(FREDDY comes bouncing up behind the partition)
MICHAEL: Oh, crap.
KATE: Don’t say anything, stay low.
FREDDY: Hi, guys!
MICHAEL AND KATE: Hi.
FREDDY: How y’seguys dooin’?
MICHAEL AND KATE: Fine.
FREDDY: So, y’seguys gettin’ breakfast or lunch?
MICHAEL AND KATE: Breakfast.
FREDDY: Ehh. Y’seguys go out last night?
MICHAEL AND KATE: No.
FREDDY: oh, Y’seseguys goin’ out tonight?
MICHAEL AND KATE: No.
FREDDY: Yer not?
KATE: Nope, this is our big adventure for the day.
FREDDY: Why not?
KATE: I have a research paper to do.
MICHAEL: Yup, we’re got stuff we have to do.
FREDDY: Ah, I hearya. I never get out any more either. I won’t be gettin’ out for a while neither, cause my girl, she’s havin’ a baby.
MICHAEL: Yup, we know.
KATE: You told us.
FREDDY: yeah, my girl’s havin’ a baby. I’m so scared. I’m terrified.
FREDDY: An’ this time, it’s not like the las’ time, cause this time, it’s a boy, and my daughter, I don’t know, I mean I see her, but she’s a girl, and-
KATE: Wait a minute. How many kids do you have?
FREDDY: Well, I got the one, my daughter, an’ like I see her sometimes, an’ her mom, we’re like, friends and stuff, but-
KATE: Oh, look, the president’s on TV. (starts playing with her fork)
FREDDY: -but like, now, you know, I got a son, and it’s with my girl.
FREDDY: You guys got kids?
MICHAEL AND KATE: Nope!
FREDDY: Ah, come on! No? No kids?
(KATE starts stabbing the palm of her hand with her fork)
FREDDY: Why not? What’s wrong witchyew?
(KATE starts corkscrewing the fork into the palm of her hand to keep from stabbing FREDDY in the eyeball)
MICHAEL: Cause we have stuff to do. We’ve got projects. Right, honey?
(MICHAEL and KATE high-five)
FREDDY: yeah, but I mean, come on, what would you guys do if you had, like, an accident?
(KATE continues stabbing herself in the hand with her fork, looking at MICHAEL)
MICHAEL: You cross that bridge when you come to it.
KATE: What kind of accident? Like a car accident?
FREDDY: No, you know, you know what I mean, if it happens?
MICHAEL: You just cross that bridge when you come to it.
FREDDY: Cause, like, my mom, she had my brother when she was forty-six-
(EILEEN comes rushing out with a tray of food, talking just a little bit too loudly.)
EILEEN: Here we are!
KATE: Oh, scrambled eggs! That’s me!
MICHAEL: There’s our breakfast! Yum!
EILEEN: Can I get you two some more coffee?
KATE: That would be lovely! Thank you!
EILEEN: Is there… anything else I can get for you?
(KATE dives into her food. MICHAEL looks up, FREDDY is gone.)
MICHAEL: I think we’re fine now, thanks.
EILEEN: I’ll be right back with your coffee. (she exits)
KATE: That is absolutely not okay. That is not okay AT ALL.
MICHAEL: It is not okay.
KATE: I mean, what if you asked someone why they were using a cane? Or told them to just drop the cane? It wouldn’t be appropriate. It would be rude.
MICHAEL: Honey, I just want to have a nice breakfast.
KATE: I wanted to have a nice breakfast too.
END OF PLAY
And SCENE. Questions? Comments? Anecdotes? Let me know!